LAUGH...
I nearly passed me sweets round !
by Joe King
Partners
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together, it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
Brings a tear to your eye doesn't it? This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.
Shop Soiled
A man walks into Ann Summers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.
He is shown several possibilities that range from £50 to £150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price. He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs put it on and model it for him. Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked, return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.
So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.
The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.
His funeral is this Thursday.
Voted Best Scottish Short Joke
A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hae ony boooks on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,
'Buggeroff, ye'll nay bring it back!'
Tit for Tat
Albert approaches a girl in the university library and asks quietly, "Do you mind if I sit beside you?”
She replies very loudly: "NO, I DO NOT WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library stare at Albert, who looks very embarrassed. He hurriedly moves to the other side of the room. But a few minutes later the girl appears at his table and says quietly with a satisfied smile: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you're feeling pretty embarrassed, right?”
Albert replies loudly: “WHAT? FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT'S FAR TOO MUCH!”
Everyone in the library now turns to stare at the girl, who is in shock.
Albert whispers to her: "I study law. I really know how to screw people."
Albert whispers to her: "I study law. I really know how to screw people."
Ready for Home
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act, she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, “Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.”
She continued, “The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.”
She continued, “The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am so sorry, but he's dead.”
Edna replied, “He didn't hang himself. I put him there to dry.... How soon can I go home?”
Old Farts
I'm passing this on as I did not want to be the only old fart receiving it. Actually, it's not a bad thing to be called, as you will see.
Old Farts are easy to spot at sporting events; during the playing of the National Anthem. Old Farts remove their caps and stand at attention and sing without embarrassment. They know the words and believe in them.
Old Farts remember World War II, Battle of Britain, The Blitz, D Day and Hitler. They remember the Atomic Age, the Korean War, The Cold War, the Jet Age and the Moon Landing.
If you bump into an Old Fart on the pavement he will apologize. If you pass an Old Fart on the street, he will nod or tip his cap to a lady. Old Farts trust strangers and are courtly to women.
Old Farts hold the door for the next person and always, when walking, make certain the lady is on the inside for protection.
Old Farts get embarrassed if someone curses in front of women and children and they don't like any filth or dirty language on TV or in movies.
Old Farts have moral courage and personal integrity. They seldom brag unless it's about their children or grandchildren.
It's the Old Farts who know our country is protected, not by politicians, but by the young men and women in the military serving their country.
This country needs Old Farts with their work ethic, sense of responsibility and decent values. We need them now more than ever.
Thank God for Old Farts!
Pass this on to all the "Old Farts" you know.
Pass this on to all the "Old Farts" you know.
I was taught to respect my elders. It's just getting harder to find them
Chips with Everything
Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas but there are more catholic churches than casinos.Not surprisingly, some worshipers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the chip monks.You didn't even see it coming did you? It’s so easy to fool ole folks!!!Now it's your turn to tag someone else!
Have a great day!!!
