Laugh
Sorry, Wrong Number
The phone was ringing......"Hello"
"Hi Honey ..... this is Daddy .....is Mommy near the phone? "
"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, " But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul,"
"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs with Mommy right now."
Another brief pause, "Uh, OK then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down, run upstairs and bang on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy and tell her that Daddy's car has just pulled into the driveway. "
"OK Daddy, just a minute." After a short while, she came back and said, "I did it Daddy."
"And what happened honey?"
"Well Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on, ran around screaming, tripped on the rug and banged her head on the dresser. She isn't moving at all."
"Oh my God !!! What about Uncle Paul?"
"He jumped out of bed with no clothes on either. He jumped out of the bedroom window into the pool, but there is no water in it Daddy. I guess he forgot that you started to clean it last week. He is in the bottom, I think he is dead. "
Long pause...longer pause....even longer pause....then Daddy says, "Swimming pool ??? is this 8486 -5731...No...then I think I have the wrong number...Sorry !!!"
Wrong Toon
Alan Pardew flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football. He is suitably impressed and arranges for the player to come over.Two weeks later Newcastle are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod, and on he goes. The lad is a sensation. He scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Newcastle. The fans are delighted, the players and the coach are delighted and the media love the new star. When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.''Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day … your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all while you tell me that you were having a great time.'The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm really sorry.' 'Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Newcastle in the first place.'
Cheap Diagnosis
The phone rings and the lady of the house answers,"Hello."
"Mrs. Sanders, please."
"Speaking."
"Mrs Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at the hospital laboratory.. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well… We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband.
Frankly, either way the results are not too good."
"What do you mean?" Mrs Sanders asks nervously.
"Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which."
"That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?" questioned Mrs Sanders.
"Normally we can, but the NHS will only pay for these expensive tests once."
"Well, what am I supposed to do now?"
"The Helpdesk recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town.. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.
WHY OLDER MEN DON'T GET HIRED
Job Interview:Human Resources Manager:
"What is your greatest weakness?"
Older Man : "Honesty."
Human Resources Manager: "I don't think honesty is a weakness."
Older Man : "I don't really give a s*** what you think."
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