Laugh
Lost Wife?From Gwen Cooper
A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector :-What is her height?
Husband :-I never checked.
Inspector :-Slim or healthy?
Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector :-Colour of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Inspector :-Colour of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector :-Was she driving?
Husband :-yes.
Inspector :-colour of the car? . . . . ..
Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door....................….and then the husband started crying...
Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.....we will find your car.
No Jews in MexicoAnother from Gwen Cooper
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.
Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?"
Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.
" He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."
Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says,
"I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook, Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews.
French Furniture
Murphy from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.
After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business !!!!!!!
Strip Down
When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this unnecessary security rubbish, I did just as he instructed.
After the shrieking and hysteria finally subsided, I found out he was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.
Sunday Clothes
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
'Hello,' said the little boy
'Hi,' replied the little girl.
'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.
'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home, answered the little girl.
'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.
'I go to the Baptist church back down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? '
'I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.
'My Mum'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy.
'I'll tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm going pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'
'That's a good idea,' replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.
They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on,
when the little boy finally remarked:
'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Methodist?'
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says: "Is this some kind of joke?"
by Joe King
Lost Wife?From Gwen Cooper
A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector :-What is her height?
Husband :-I never checked.
Inspector :-Slim or healthy?
Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector :-Colour of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Inspector :-Colour of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector :-Was she driving?
Husband :-yes.
Inspector :-colour of the car? . . . . ..
Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door....................….and then the husband started crying...
Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.....we will find your car.
No Jews in MexicoAnother from Gwen Cooper
Two old Jewish men, Sid and Abe, are sitting in a Mexican restaurant one day.Sid asks Abe, "Do you know if any people of our ancestry were ever born and raised in Mexico?"
Abe replies, "I don't know, let's ask our waiter."
When the waiter arrives, Abe asks, "Are there any Mexican Jews?"
The waiter says, "I don't know senor, I ask the cooks.
" He returns from the kitchen after a few minutes and says, "No senor, the cook say no Mexican Jews."
Abe isn't satisfied and asks, "Are you absolutely sure?"
The waiter, realizing he is dealing with "Gringos" replies, "I check once again, senor," and goes back into the kitchen.
While the waiter is away, Sid says,
"I find it hard to believe that there are no Jews in Mexico. Our people are scattered everywhere."
The waiter returns and says, "Senor, the head cook, Manuel, he say there is no Mexican Jews."
"Are you certain?" Abe asks again. "I just can't believe there are no Mexican Jews!"
"Senor, I ask EVERYONE," replies the exasperated waiter.
"All we have is Orange Jews, Grape Jews, Prune Jews, Tomato Jews and Apple Jews, but no Mexican Jews.
French Furniture
Murphy from Dublin, decided to expand the line of furniture in his store, so he decided to go to Paris to see what he could find.After arriving in Paris, he visited with some manufacturers and selected a line that he thought would sell well back home. To celebrate the new acquisition, he decided to visit a small bistro and have a glass of wine. As he sat enjoying his wine, he noticed that the small place was quite crowded, and that the other chair at his table was the only vacant seat in the house. Before long, a very beautiful young Parisian girl came to his table, asked him something in French (which Murphy could not understand), so he motioned to the vacant chair and invited her to sit down. He tried to speak to her in English, but she did not speak his language. After a couple of minutes of trying to communicate with her, he took a napkin and drew a picture of a wine glass and showed it to her. She nodded, so he ordered a glass of wine for her. After sitting together at the table for a while, he took another napkin, and drew a picture of a plate with food on it, and she nodded. They left the bistro and found a quiet cafe that featured a small group playing romantic music.
They ordered dinner, after which he took another napkin and drew a picture of a couple dancing. She nodded, and they got up to dance. They danced until the cafe closed and the band was packing up. Back at their table, the young lady took a napkin and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. To this day, Murphy has no idea how she figured out he was in the furniture business !!!!!!!
Strip Down
When I was ready to check out and pay for my groceries the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."Making a mental note so I could complain to my local MP about this unnecessary security rubbish, I did just as he instructed.
After the shrieking and hysteria finally subsided, I found out he was referring to how I should position my credit card.
Nonetheless, I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions a little clearer for seniors.
Sunday Clothes
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.'Hello,' said the little boy
'Hi,' replied the little girl.
'Where are you going?' asked the little boy.
'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home, answered the little girl.
'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy.
'I go to the Baptist church back down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? '
'I go to the Methodist church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they'd walk together.
They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl.
'My Mum'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy.
'I'll tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm going pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.'
'That's a good idea,' replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.'
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.
They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on,
when the little boy finally remarked:
'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Methodist?'
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says: "Is this some kind of joke?"
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