THACKLEY TRUMPIT JULY 2014 JOE KING

Laugh

 I nearly passed me sweets round !

by Joe King

My First drink with my son.

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint. 
Off we went to our local which is only two blocks from the house.
I got him a Fosters He didn't like it – so I had it.
Then I got him a Carling Black Label, he didn't like it, so I had it.
It was the same with the 1664 Lager and Premium Dry Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky I could hardly push the bloody pram back home.

BREAKING NEWS!

The Pound/Euro
The British Penny  -  European Union Directive No. 456179
 In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase “Spending a Penny” is not to be used after 31 December 2014.
From this date onwards, the correct term will be:
“Euronating".
It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.

Hello -- I have questions!

Why isn’t the number 11 pronounced  onety-one?
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys  it?
Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
If people from Poland are called Poles, then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?
If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?
If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'
What hair colour do they putt on the driver's licenses of bald men?
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use, Toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them?  Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

Shorties

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their tournament  victories. After an hour, the manager came out and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."

I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up and said: "Did you get my drift?"

Slept like a log last night. Woke up in the fireplace.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up for a date but she'd popped her clogs.

I rang up BT. I said: "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said: "Not you again."

"My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We'll see about that."

When Susan's boyfriend proposed, she said: "I love the simple things in life but I don't want one of them for my husband."