THACKLEY TRUMPIT APRIL 2014 JOE KING

Laugh

 I nearly passed me sweets round !

by Joe King

Politically Correct

As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman,an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Pakistani, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinean,  a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.

Wait for it!

The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai."

Paint Job

My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to paint the seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.
She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet.

As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat.

About that time, I got home and realized her predicament.

We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts.

Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room.

The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.).

Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this    before."

The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them......I just never saw one mounted and framed."

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you were right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."

Maths

This is something we can all learn from if we think about it. I think that it is brilliant.

A farmer died leaving his 17 horses to his three sons. When his sons opened up the Will it read:

My eldest son should get 1/2 (half) of total horses;

My middle son should be given 1/3rd (one-third) of the total horses;

My youngest son should be given 1/9th (one-ninth) of the total horses.

As it's impossible to divide 17 into half or 17 by 3 or 17 by 9, the three sons started to fight with each other.

So, they decided to go to a farmer friend who they considered
quite smart, to see if he could work it out for them.

The farmer friend read the Will       patiently, after giving due
thought, he brought one of his own horses over and added it to the 17.

That increased the total to 18 horses.
Now, he divided the horses according to their fathers Will.

Half of 18 = 9. So he gave the eldest son 9 horses.

1/3rd of 18 = 6. So he gave the middle son 6 horses.

1/9th of 18 = 2. So he gave the youngest son 2 horses.

Now add up how many horses they have:

Eldest son 9, Middle son 6, Youngest son 2. TOTAL IS...17.

Now this leaves one horse over, so the farmer friend takes his horse back to his farm.

Problem Solved!

Moral:

The attitude of negotiation and problem solving is to find the 18th horse i.e. the common ground. Once a    person is able to find the 18th horse the issue is resolved. It is difficult at times.

That's what I call clever Mathematics.

Pumpkin?

What Pumpkin?

Police work must be entertaining as well as dangerous.

Recently, a female police officer arrested Patrick Lawrence, a 22 year old male, who was caught   fornicating with a pumpkin in the middle of the night.

The next day, at the Horsham Court (Victoria, Australia), Lawrence was charged with lewd and lascivious behaviour, public indecency and public intoxication.

Lawrence explained that as he was passing a pumpkin patch on his way home from a drinking session, he decided to stop. "You know how a pumpkin can be soft and squishy inside... Well, there was no one around for miles - or at least I thought there wasn't anyone around..." he stated.

Lawrence went on to say that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out a pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purpose, cut a hole in it and proceeded to satisfy his pressing need.

"I s'pose I was really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process of doing the deed, Lawrence failed to notice an approaching police car and was  unaware of his audience, until   Senior Constable Brenda Taylor approached him.

'It was an unusual situation, that's for sure,' said Senior Constable Taylor, 'I walked up to Lawrence - and he's just banging away at this pumpkin...' Senior Constable Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Lawrence...

"I said; 'Excuse me sir, why are you having sex with a pumpkin?"

"Lawrence froze. He was clearly very surprised that I was there, but then he looked me straight in the eye and said, 'A pumpkin? S*** - is it midnight already?"

The court (and the magistrate) could not contain their mirth.

The Geelong Post wrote an article describing this as 'The best come-back line ever.'

I went down to my local supermarket and I said: "I want to make a complaint. This vinegar's got lumps in it". He said: "Those are pickled onions."

A man entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in 10 different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in 10 did.

I was having dinner with Garry Kasparov (world chess champion) and there was a check tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

Four fonts walk into a bar. The barman says: "Oi - get out. We don't want your type in here."