THACKLEY TRUMPIT MARCH 2014 JOE KING

LAUGH...
 I nearly passed me sweets round !
by Joe King

Waste Not, Want Not

One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub     together.
They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if  nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU B****RD!!!!"

Texas Tatties

A Scottish farmer was in his field digging up his tatties (a Scots word for potatoes). An American farmer looked over the fence and said "In Texas we grow      potatoes 5 times larger than that!"
The Scotsman replied "Ah but we just grow them for our own mouths!"

Kissing Game

There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Wales. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train, there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped.
The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.'
Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.'
And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b*****d again .

Wrong Baptist

A man is standing on top of the safety wall at the edge of a New York       Skyscaper leaning towards certain death. The doorman of the building bravely goes up to try and talk him down.
"Hey... guy...errm, you believe in God don't you?"
The man leans back away from the edge, "yes, yes I do"
"Well so do I!, let's talk this thing..."
The man takes one mini-step away from the edge
The Doorman asks, "So which religion, which church are you?"
"I'm a Christian", he says, "Baptist",
"That's amazing, so am I!" said the doorman, "Which type of Baptist are you?"
"Northern Baptist", said the man     takling a good step back from the roof edge.
"AMAZING!, me too", said the doorman, "So, well, are you with the branch that sided with Pastor Corey?"
"YES! said the man.
"Traitor!" said the doorman pushing him off the roof.

Lady Drivers

This morning on the motorway, I looked over to my right and there was a woman in a brand new VW Golf !! Doing 110km/hr., with her face up next to her rear view mirror
putting on her eyeliner!
I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup.
As a man, I don't scare easily.. but she scared me so much I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the meat pie out of my other hand. In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my mobile phone away from my ear which fell Into the   coffee between my legs, which splashed and burned "Big Jim and the Twins", ruined the phone, soaked my trousers, and disconnected an Important call. BLOODY Women Drivers!!

What Rush

Charles was getting annoyed and shouted upstairs to his wife," Hurry up or we'll be late."
"Oh, be quiet," replied his wife. "Haven't I been telling you for the last hour that I'll be ready in a minute?"

Friendship

An English man and an Irish man are driving head on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fetches a 12 year old bottle of whisky. He hands the bottle to the Irish man, whom exclaims, ''may the Irish and the English live together forever, in peace, and harmony.'' The Irish man then tips the bottle and gulps half of the bottle down. Still flabbergasted over the whole thing, he goes to hand the bottle to the Englishman, whom replies: ''no thanks, I'll just wait till the Police get here!''

That’s Entertainment

It was entertainment night at the senior citizens' centre. After the community sing song led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the Star of the Show- Claude the Hypnotist!
Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance. "Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.
The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.
"I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see. "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations", said Claude.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ----Watch the watch".
The audience became mesmerised as the watch swayed back and forth.
The lights twinkling as they were reflected from it's gleaming surfaces. A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.
And then, Suddenly, The chain broke!!!
The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact.
"S***" said Claude.
It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Centre.
And Claude was never invited to entertain again.