THACKLEY TRUMPIT MARCH 2014 FUNNIES

FUNNIES

An Englishman, roused by a Scot's scorn of his race, protested that he was born an Englishman and hoped to die an Englishman. "Man," scoffed the Scot, "hiv ye nae ambeetion (Have you no      ambition)?"

Mike and his pregnant wife live on a farm in a rural area in the west of England. No running water, no electricity, etc. One night, Mikes' wife is begins to deliver the baby. The local doctor is there in       attendance.
"What d'ya want me to do, Doctor?"
"Hold the lantern, Mike. Here it comes!" the doctor delivers the child and holds it up for the proud father to see.
"Mike, you're the proud father of a fine strapping boy."
"Saints be praised, I..." Before Mike can finish the Doctor interrupts,
"Wait a minute. Hold the lantern, Mike." Soon the doctor delivers the next child. "You've a full set now, Mike. A beautiful baby daughter."
"Thanks be to..."again the Doctor cuts in,
"Hold the lantern, Mike, Hold the lantern!" Soon the Doctor delivers a third child. The doctor holds up the baby for Mike's inspection.
"Doctor," asks Mike, "Do you think it's the light that's attracting them?"

At an auction in Manchester a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, "I'll give £150!"

Two Americans are talking. One asks: "What's the difference between capitalism and communism?"
"That's easy" says the other one. "In capitalism man exploits man! In communism it is the other way around!"

I went to the doctors the other day and he said: "Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu." So I went - and I got it.

Went to the corner shop - bought four corners.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants. It was Wedgie Kray.

I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything - trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.